Infidelity

Infidelity is a pattern of behavior that seeks self-satisfaction.

Infidelity is a pattern of behavior that seeks self-satisfaction at the expense of commitment to another. It strikes at the core defining characteristics of marriage:

• Two people determine to share themselves with each other in a way that is unique to them and not shared by others.
• They agree that the levels of trust and accountability, expected of each other will be greater than found in any other of their relationships.
• They share physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual intimacy, not found in other relationships.
• Their relationship is permanent and unconditional.
• For Christians, marriage also constitutes a commitment to God, to protect the unique relationship given to them.

What is infidelity?

Infidelity occurs whenever a person engages in a relationship with another that violates these characteristics of marriage. This happens when the new relationship results in a breakdown of trust; develops intimacy with another outside the marriage; when experiences are shared with the new person that become more important than the shared experiences in the marriage. Infidelity can occur without sex. Simply stated, marriage is a commitment to seek mutual fulfillment, to make your own satisfaction contingent on your spouse’s. The first steps taken when infidelity occurs are 1) to decide to seek fulfillment through someone else and, 2) to decide to do this secretly. In a sense, whatever a person decides to give to a new partner outside the marriage is taken from his or her spouse: time, money, special experiences, confidences, or intimacies. A person might experience a similar sense of betrayal if their spouse becomes compulsively involved in alcohol, work, or various activities. In these cases, the element of secrecy is usually not as devastating, and there is not another person alienating the spouse from the marriage.

Infidelity is always destructive.

Infidelity is always destructive, and often fatal, to a marriage. It is possible to avoid allowing infidelity to bring a marriage to an end, however. Redemption and healing always begin with a person acknowledging their need, and accepting responsibility for what they have done. Nowhere is this truer than in the case of infidelity.

Healing from adultery first requires that the betrayed spouse recover from the trauma.

Discovering the betrayal and anticipating the potential loss of the person most important in your life causes great distress. Unlike the trauma of death, which has an end and can be compensated for by positive elements in the relationship, infidelity undermines all that is good in the relationship and the pain seems to have no natural end point. Although not welcomed, death is to be expected at some point in a marriage. Betrayal is not. The victim of betrayal questions if the spouse ever loved them, and if so, what they might have done to lose it. It is as if the adulterous spouse has thrown dirt in the river of their marriage contaminating the water behind them and before them.

To recover from trauma, a victim has a natural tendency to go back to the traumatic experience, questioning, going over details repetitiously: “What did you do? Where? When? How often?” The traumatized spouse must go over the events until the emotional distress caused by them becomes manageable. They must reach a point where they feel there are no more surprises.

Often, the betraying spouse wants to get things over quickly, after admitting to their infidelity. They must develop empathy for what the betrayed spouse is experiencing, and be willing to live with the pain of guilt, until genuine healing can occur. In addition, the betraying spouse may learn something about them self in the questioning process. They may begin to see their own motives, vulnerabilities, and selfishness. If both spouses can tolerate and control the emotions involved, they may come to a joint understanding of how the infidelity occurred, signaling the beginning of a more substantial level of recovery.

Recovery from Infidelity

Recovery from infidelity involves husband and wife restoring each other as the core of their marriage. While this sounds obvious, we often don’t realize how far we can stray from the value placed on each other at the beginning of marriage. Besides conflict and selfishness, a spouse can be lost in an array of inherently good things that come into our lives, including children, service, and friends. While it isn’t realistic to return to the “in love” phase of marriage, each person needs to communicate to the other that they are of primary importance, through action and words.

Forgiveness

Forgiveness is an obvious necessity if recovery from infidelity is to last. While not desirable, problems less significant than infidelity can go unresolved, or make do with a superficial level of forgiveness. Infidelity requires the real thing. Forgiveness is a commitment rather than an emotion. Forgiveness is not a one-time event. It is a repeated process that may be mental more often than verbal, forgiving the offender each time the thought of his or her offense occurs. Although forgiveness is not the same thing as forgetting, forgiveness involves a commitment to avoid dwelling on the offense; perhaps replacing painful and anger-inducing thoughts about the infidelity with positive thoughts. Forgiving infidelity involves some specific things, such as not bringing up the adulterous behavior whenever it is useful, not refusing to ever trust again, and not keeping distance from the offending spouse indefinitely. Obviously, this kind of forgiveness is not easy.

For more information about infidelity, please visit Five Doctors Medical and Wellness Center, at the Prospect Reef Plaza, Tel: 494-6757.